Separation

 

We will become friends, it's not possible to continue this way:
I avoided asking him, I told him this as a decision, I was afraid he would begin talking about things I was done with years ago.

I hung up.

I felt as if a mountain of ice had come down: what was happening brought about a crash of noisy silence, a huge vacuum, sadness maybe, and relief-- there were no tears, no, no tears, only some sort of sorrow pushing me towards the bed. I pulled a cover over myself and surrendered to deep relief.

He had refused to send the papers from abroad, insisting he’d do it when he came back. Now he stood in the doorway, a stranger without luggage; I nodded for him to come in, and called my son. He screamed joyously-- dad!!!-- and kissed and hugged him. They spent two minutes together; then my little boy left us, and he excused himself to go to the bathroom. It seemed he was coming directly from the airport. When he came back, he said he would be leaving immediately. I stopped him, asked him to sit down and talk. We sat in the guest room. I tried to smile affectionately. "You know, Doris Lessing, the one who got the Nobel prize, says that marriage is not for her, she has been married and divorced twice, and she decided not to do it again, because marriage is not for her. I think I'm like that. He didn't comment, only smiled a tired and bitter smile. The smile made me sad; I wanted to say I'm sorry, I know how depressing and annoying this is but to me this has become a necessity and an urgency. I can't continue, I have changed, you haven't, you assume that what happened to you is the cause, but no my friend, it isn't. I have changed, my eyes are suddenly open. I know it is strange but it is also real. I know you have a lot of explanations: I too have my explanations. I'm sorry my friend, it wasn’t possible for me to go on. I'm not suited for marriage, does this make you feel better, I give you this satisfaction. I'm not suited for marriage.

I told my child, dad is not going to live with us anymore.
Ha ha ha, are you joking, yes, no?
No I'm not, I'm serious
But we're a family, and families live together
Yes we are, but families get separated sometimes, your father is still your father but he won't be staying with us
But this is not possible, family members have to live together
Do you remember Zack and Cody on the Disney channel, wasn't their father living apart from them?
He remembered the series and knew I was serious. He stopped talking.
In the car he asked me, what if dad came back and stayed with us? Then I will leave, I said. But who will take care of your mother’s duties? Do you remember how you sometimes put the notebooks I forget in my bag while I’m asleep, who is going to do that if you leave?
Yes I remember, I said
Do I have to remind you of your duties? How can you think of leaving?

I didn't leave,
He did.
Each one of us has his own explanation.
The world as well has its.